Circa 1996

by Starlit Simon

The first time I’d ever witnessed a Fools Day prank, was when I was about eight years old.  My uncle came to the house looking morose.  He grabbed a dishcloth and held it over his mouth; grinning behind it.

He came to tell us that a family member had landed in the hospital – a serious injury. He couldn’t maintain the prank for long. He’d probably felt guilt from the momentary hysterics he’d created.

It was no surprise then that at fourteen-years-old my thought process went straight to something dark and horrific to have some Fools Day “fun.”

I went in to the cold room in our basement and dug around.

The axe looked like a great place to start.

I dragged it in to the basement bathroom which coupled as a storage room and closed the door behind me.

Locating the Halloween bins, I grabbed a few tubes of blood and drenched my hand and the axe with it.

I splashed some tap water on to my face and around my eyes then grabbed an empty bucket and drop kicked it in to the wall.

I yelled in complete terror and agony then stumbled out of the bathroom just as my older brother whose bedroom was on the other end of the basement came running out.

“Holay Shit…Holay shit, Star, what the hell, oh my GOD,” he yelled.  “What the hell happened?”

“The axe…the axe,” I squealed, my eyes clinched shut, as though I were in excruciating pain.

Daemus looked in the bathroom, saw the bloody axe, and yelled,  “Star, what the hell were you doing?”

I stood there fake whimpering and said, “I need to get to a hospital.”  I hadn’t come up with a reason. I hadn’t thought he would ask me that.

“Mom, call an ambulance, CALL AN AMBULANCE,” Daemus was bellowing.  I tromped up the stairs behind him and discretely I drained the last bit of blood from the tubes on to the steps.

Dae and I were on the landing between the stairs to the basement and the stairs to the kitchen.

My Mom and stepfather were sitting at the kitchen table looking down at us occasionally but mostly we were a distraction from their 1000 piece puzzle.

“…help…me…” I whispered now laying on the floor, fluttering my eye lids.

Dae turned to look at me in my big curtain-closing-scene then saw the blood spattered steps and started screaming at my parents.

“What is wrong with you guys, where are the keys? I’m taking her to the hospital.”

My folks stared blankly at him.  Then ever so slowly Mom raised her arm and pointed at the desk across from her.

Dae marched up the stairs and wondered out loud why they didn’t give a shit.

I had gotten up then and decided that maybe the prank had gone too far, because now Dae was really worked up, and I guess it was a good time to reveal the big secret.

When Dae found the keys in the desk he turned to march back down the stairs when he saw me standing there, calm.  He stopped cussing and slowly walked down the stairs.

He looked at my quizzically. “You…alright?” He asked, in a concerned for my mental-well-being way.

“Yah…im alright.” I said.  And then I started to laugh.

“I think you’re losing too much blood,” he said, with complete concern. “Come on, let’s go.”

A part of me wanted to keep the charade going. Yanno to see how long I could fool people. Maybe I’d even make it to the operating table before I’d reveal it was all a prank.

“wait…Dae…” I stammered. I couldn’t risk my unlicensed brother getting pulled over, “uhm…April Fools….”

“WHAT?” He yelled.  “YOU fucker!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said in between giggling uncontrollably.

“But you had tears,” he questioned.

“I just put water on my face,” I revealed.  “And I used fake blood.”

“My God you are sick and twisted,” he said.  “You even put the axe there…shit that’s what really got me!”

He kind of started to grin now, then shook his head.

“Ahhhh, God,” he said in an agitated but mostly relieved way.  “Don’t ever do that again, man!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” I said again, still laughing.

Daemus then looked over at my folks and said, “I was wondering why you guys didn’t even move, you guys were in on it too, wow…she really thought of everything.”

My uncontrollable giggle had started fading just then. “I didn’t tell them, actually,” i said. Then I turned to my folks and I said half grinning, “How’d you guys know?”

“We didn’t,” Mom replied.

“My God,” Dae said.  Now he was laughing whole heartedly as he headed back down to the basement.

I stood there still, stunned and staring shockingly at my parents.

“What the hell you guys?” I screamed.  No longer in prank mood.

“Ahhh, get off it,” Mom said.  “We were waiting to see how long this would go on first. Jeez what do you expect, we never know when you two are screwing around or not.”

 

 

 

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